Somewhere between the altar and the door

Even though I already put in two random postings, I title this the official inaugural post!


The title of my blog, Reckless Abandon Wrapped in Common Sense, comes from a line in the Casting Crowns song "Somewhere in the Middle" which is all about how as Christians, we often find ourselves struggling in that middle ground, somewhere between the things we know are wrong and the things we know are right, somewhere between ignoring God and complete devotion. The chorus goes as such:

Fearless warriors in a picket fence

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end

and we are caught in the middle

With eyes wide open to the differences

The God we want and the God who is

But would we trade our dreams for His

or are we caught in the middle?

And when it comes to my faith journey, that’s generally how I feel, caught in the middle of completely and utter submission to God’s will while still trying to maintain that I know best, “somewhere between my faith and my plans”. 
One of my favorite lines is “Just how close can I get Lord, to my surrender, without losing all control.” So much of my life I try to control, and really, none of it is in my control. Through high school, I practiced my faith out of obedience. In college, I fell in love with the community of believers the Church brought, learned about the faith, fell in love with Adoration and the Eucharist, and knew my life was changed. Post-grad, the journey has been one of independence, falling in love with the teachings of the Church (#theologyofthebody), and seeing love lived out in service. 
I’ve always felt I’ve put up a front, trying to disguise the fact that most of the time I was confused with what people were talking about or that my prayer life wasn’t where it should be. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had some serious moments of pure joy with God, feeling so incredibly alive, like during Adorations, experiencing the "post-retreat" high, and profound moments of prayer. But I need Jesus more, need God more, need the Church more, but I'm never quite sure how to get there. Right now I’m caught in the middle, sitting in that pew close enough to the front to be present with God, but far enough back to run if it starts getting too real, too hard. The challenge is to keep moving up, until I’m lying on the altar.